The Roast of My Immortal
by Acidic Lover
Summary: Yet another reaction to the infamous fic, My Immortal, featuring comments from Jetisr and The Doomsday Architect Rated T for horrible swearing and all around English abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**I just had to do it.**

**I know you're all familar with My Immortal, thus the reason you are probably here, to get quality comedy and ****common sense beaten into the story that is most likely responsible for everything that is wrong with you. So here it ****is, My Immortal by Tara Gillesbie(?)**

**Seriously though is it Gillesbie? Gillespie? Ah screw it, I'm going to just call her Geppetto and be done with it.**

**Anyway, onto the story! *millions of fans 'bust into tears'***

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **Very clever.** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **Don't you mention that you're Bisexual like half way through this monstrosity?** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! **Yeah you rock Raven! **Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **I feel sorry for Justin.** MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Ha, lack of proper brain function does sound about right.** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.** And also Incest is the new 'goffick' thing!**

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **Scotland.** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **Really? I thought you were seven.** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) **You know what, I had a hunch.** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **Hot Topic went international? **

For example** She sounds like she's writing a third grade essay...** today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **I'm imagining someone playing a car accident victim for Halloween.** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun **Because the magical weather system at Hogwarts is just that epic.**, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. **Probably because you look like you just escaped the morgue.** I put up my middle finger at them. **Grand first impression.**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **No way! At Hogwarts? Get out!** "What's up Draco?" I asked. **And how did you know her name? Didn't she **_**just**_** arrive?**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **I'm imagining him looking at his feet and blushing all while being pelted by snow and rain, which could most likely turn into hail, just saying.** But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **Her ****friends were the men in white coats, they took her to the padded room thus saving Hogwarts and all its students.**

**Oh wait, there's still more chapters. Shit.**

**My friend Jetisr will be chiming in on these as soon as we can catch each other what with the time differences ****heheh...**

**I feel I should make this a little bit longer, this excuse for a paragraph doesn't even fill up the whole document. **

**ONTO CHAPTER 2 *fans groan***


	2. Chapter 2

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!** Two ANs later and we still understand nothing of what she's actually trying to say. **

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **I was hoping it was the fiery pits of Hell. **It was snowing and raining again. **Mother nature must really hate y'all... **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

My coffin was black ebony **I'm sensing a theme here.** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **Poor Raven.** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **Weren't they already open?** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **Why didn't Filch confiscate these clothes? **We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **Did she really just say "OMFG"?**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" **Well, she was blushing.** she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Language! **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. **This is like watching the girls at my school talk. Only twice as painful.**

Just then, Draco walked up to me. **Not much of a transition if you ask me.**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Is that even a word? **

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **They're a AMERICAN muggle band, they flew to Scotland to have a concert in a magical village because..?**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" **Well at least she spelled it out this time. In four sentences.** I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **WHY? **

**And that ends Chapter 2, if you can even call this a chapter. Onto the next one.**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's like attack of the red squiggles on my screen right now. **

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **Someone actually gave this a good review..? **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **No I'm sure you own everything here, darling. Don't credit anyone else.** or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **That must be comfy.**

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **What the hell? **

I read a depressing book **You read this fic?** while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **She committed murder on school grounds? Police! **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **I imagine him leaning against it like Danny Zuko from Grease.**

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **Whatever you say, Tara...** "Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice **Who sounds excited and depressed at the same time?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. **You just mentioned it was Hogsmeade.**

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **DUI. Or in this cause FUI. **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.** Thus falling to your deaths. The end.**

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord,

hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **I know you don't cause that actually made some sense.**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **Where did it say they entered a club?**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. **How can you even hear each other from being so close to the stage?** Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **And squeezed her to death on accident because of the incessant moshing going on around them.**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **I spy a little green monster.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **Nothing like being high and wasted on the same night.** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **Run while you can boys!** We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **They crawled into the air?** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **Let's hope they meet the giant spiders.**

**If you're still here, I appreciate it. This is only the beginning. Unfortunately. **


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Sudden name change or is this a different girl altogether?** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **Just two teens in love, happens all the time.** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **Took me five minutes to understand that.**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Hopefully he's going to feed you to the spiders.**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **Once again they fell through the air, screaming, to the ground below.**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **I was just thinking the same thing.**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **Draco kissed himself passionately?** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Keenly? Were you randomly shouting out test answers or something?**

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **I'm so turned on. Not.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **Epic line.**

It was….Dumbledore! **Even more Epic.**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam **Flam? Does she mean phlegm? As in mucus?** it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedacheok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **I think we found our loophole.**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **What does an American rapper have to do with this situation?**

I started to cry tears of blood **I think there's a medical term for that.** down my pallid face.

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **"I just watched for five minutes before actually stepping in!"**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **I imagine him down on his knees, close to tears by now.**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **So they can have more sex? **

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…. **a rabid fangirl attacked her stabbing her multiple times in the eye while screaming "DIE DEMON WITCH DIE."**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

**And so ends another paragraph, seriously I found more interesting stuff on twitter than I did in those last few lines.**


	6. Chapter 6

**To the anonymous review I received I honestly don't know, I just assumed they were American because of me hearing about them once or twice on television. If they are Canadian forgive me. *sweatdrop* I'll be looking into that. **

**I'm writing this commentary while eating breakfast for school, I say this because I thought I should let you all know when I actually write these things. **

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **Didn't she already say this? **

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **Which was at the bottom of the ocean.** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, ***facepalm***

and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Cause good looks solve everything, right?**

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **You suddenly transformed into his eyeliner?** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **Then why mention it? **

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **I like doubled over laughing ****at this part.**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Calm down. **

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **And suddenly the whole great hall burst into flames, demons rose from the ground to drag Ebony down to the realm of Hell.**

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **Again, calm down girl. **

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **Talk about what? What just happened? **

**And in reply to Josh, alright, the more the better.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Haha, this document is trying to correct all the mistakes, I think I'm pissing off Microsoft. Also I'm doing this chapter in school. *smiles widely***

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life **Ruin my favorite song why don't ya.**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **Why God, why?**

n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Now she wants tin God vans?** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok **Okay, but what about Ebony?** she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **I thought she was a Satanist.**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **Her nail polish magically changed.** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **Repetitive.** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **Yes cause that's all the matters.** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **How do you French kiss someone passively?** He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **Hm. Let's see. You just said you had a penis, you didn't even say the word 'penis', and you emphasized what we already knew was going to happen. So I vote "Yes".**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **You didn't notice this the first time you did it with him?**

It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry. **And I am so bored right now.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **That must have hurt.**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **And you probably do too, seeing as you **_**already had sex with him.**_

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Well isn't that a nice image.** He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **Again, how are you **_**just**_** noticing these facts?** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **I so wish I could do this.**

**The title had nothing to do with this chapter...just thought I'd point that out.**


	8. Chapter 8

**The following is The Doomsday Architect's commentary:**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep! **What the fuck is flassing? O.o**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **It's good to know he has no dignity as well as virginity now. **and started begging me to take him back. **Draco would never be that desperate.**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **I'm not even going to begin to explain how a person cannot scream sadly.**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **Anyone else find it odd/funny that part of her name is similar to Mary Sue? **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **Too much detail…and she looks like a Blade:Trinity reject**

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.** When did one of my favorite characters come into the conversation?**

Her real parents are vampires **Oh no.** and one of them is a witch **Please no.** but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **Dear God, if you are merciful at all…** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **FUCK YOU TARA** (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.) **WHAT THE HELL**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **He sounds very polite yet rude at the same time o.O**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **No one cares.**

Everyone gasped. **Of course they do.**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **Huh?** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **Ooooooh random POV change. That doesn't confuse anyone at all -_-"** for a while but then he broke my heart. **Good for you.** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **You have issues with preps.** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **But you dated him before he was gothic ,stupid.**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **And again with the random POV change-.-**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **You say fuck alot.** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **Uh?** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **Please tell me that means your eyeballs exploded. Because I would LAUGH.**


End file.
